The day my innocence died, or why I am currently in a state of mourning for someone that died 30 years ago

Once upon a time my father filled out a form for an energy company. (Yes, I’m serious, that is the beginning of the story.) Being the progressive man that he is, he didn’t want to just write his name on the form, because he wanted my mother to be acknowledged too, so he wrote his first name and my mother’s first name followed by our last name. Logical enough. Anyway, for some reason the energy company did not understand this and was all like “FIRST NAME TOO LONG MUST CUT OFF AFTER SIX CHARACTERS” which is absurd because my first name by itself is longer than six characters and so is my mother’s. HOWEVER, my father’s is not. His name is Jim. So by cutting the first name off after six characters, the energy company actually lengthened my father’s name. To Jimand. And now they call and mail letters to Jimand and hilarity ensues and now all my friends call him Jimand and really the point of me telling you all this was so that I could tell you a story about my father and refer to him as Jimand without anyone getting confused. Got it? Good.

So, as I’m sure is true of many people, my father (aka Jimand) has a groan-worthy sense of humour. He knows like three jokes, one of which is based off the formula for discovering the circumference or diameter or that-thing-that-I-don’t-give-a-shit-about of a circle. You know, pie are squared. πr2. But nooooo, Jimand says. Pie are not square! Cake are square! Pie are round! Hardy har har. Also, he is fond of informing me that beer makes you smart! Because it made Bud wiser and Jenna see! (I’m learning that apparently these jokes are better when said out loud. Who knew it was actually possible to make them worse?) Hardy har har har har.

Anyway, Jimand’s third joke (which is finally the point of the story, I swear): What kind of wood doesn’t float? (I don’t know, Dad, what kind?) Natalie Wood!!!!!! *guffaw*

But but BUT until a few days ago I just thought this was supposedly funny because she’s a PERSON, not a stick, therefore hardy har har. But no! NO!!!! NATALIE WOOD DROWNED. THAT IS HOW SHE DIED. SHE DIED BECAUSE SHE COULD NOT FLOAT.

What kind of fucked up person tells his daughter a JOKE about a woman, who may or may not have abused by her partner, DROWNING?!?!?!?!

I’m calling Children’s Aid. My father must be reported. Yes, I am aware that I am almost 23 and do not live with my parents. Yes, I am aware that my dad is volunteering for the Children’s Aid Christmas store fundraiser thingy this year. But still. SHE DROWNED.